i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
