I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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