So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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