a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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