after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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