please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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