dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
