Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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