I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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