I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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