Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
