Capitaan dildo arrescate!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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