Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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