judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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