The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
