How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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