i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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