i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
