I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
