Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
