Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
