my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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