Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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