4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
