she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
be right there i have to get my cape
All I want is dick and wine.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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