My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
