I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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