i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
