i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
