so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Randomize
