Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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