Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
