Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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