There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
