FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
