i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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