I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
