this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
