dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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