i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
