I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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