Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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