My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
