Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
