Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I still have a little drunk in my system
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
