Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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