Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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