I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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