I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
