Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
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