I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
