I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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