she takes plan B like it's going out of style
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
