my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
