I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
