Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
