Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
