I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
