Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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