I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
