But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
