Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
