I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
