I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
