that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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