That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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