Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
